Easter Sunday 2010

This is the second Easter since my stroke. I don't remember much about the last one. But today, I'm in Florida, living at my mothers house, and I'm alone. My mother is still in rehab from her back surgery. When I'm not sick, I go over and visit, almost everyday.

I've decided that it stinks being alone! All my life I've either live with my parents, lived in a college dorm or live with the wife. This being alone stuff is new to me. I don't quite know how to take it. Since I lost everything in my stroke, I live with my mother in a retirement community. Everyone that lives in the section of the retirement community is about my mother's age. The are all 30 years older than I am. Is this what I have to look forward to in my old age? it makes you pause and think, reflect on your life, your accomplishments and your failures. The real question is -- do I have one more mission in me? Do I have one more success? Or, is this all there is. Good question don't you think.

I prefer to think that I have one more success in me. 55 is too young to roll over and play dead.

Home from the adventure

I went to Connecticut for two weeks. It was the third such trip I've made since I had my stroke. I've gotten pretty good at getting to and from the airport, navigating once I'm there, and getting to my final destination.

Congratulations again, Chris and Ajza. That's the reason I went to Connecticut this time.

Chris, now theres a chip off the old block. He'll try anything once ... eating bugs and worms, stinging himself on the arm with multiple critters to see which hurt worst. We won't even mention his four year stint in the Marines. I'm glad he lived through it long enough to settle down and get married, even if he is still crazy.

I remember the first time I flew on an airplane after my stroke. I was scared to death. It seems as though the first time I was doing anything new, post stroke, it was like doing it for the first time. There is a difference in my psyche. I used to have no concept of fear. Hang gliding, bungee jumping, motorcycle riding, an adrenalin junkie ... that's how I used to live. Perhaps that's why was married three times.

I've decided that the most significant aspect of my stroke, psychologically, is that I now know what fear is. I've developed this ability to be afraid of things. In most modern situations, except for the most extreme, like being robbed at gun point, falling off a cliff, or having somebody try to run you down with their car, fear is pretty useless. That is, unless it can be positively channeld.

I watched my daughter break her arm in an accident. A while later, she broke her big toe in another accident. my son split open his four head one Halloween evening. Things like that happened. The instant clear mind, the ability to raise a sense of humor in the midst of disaster, basically the effects of adrenaline can be useful. I'm not against adrenaline -- just fear, which is debilitating.

Here is my message to you. Raising the adrenaline level is okay. Channeling that adrenaline, with a clear mind, is okay. Fear, however, is relatively useless. My kids haven't died from climbing trees and falling out. I haven't died, yet, for many of the crazy things I've done. Would we as a family have done is live every minute of every day, and know what it means to be alive. Now I have a new appreciation for that.

I think I'll give up fear for Lent.